Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
