I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
