My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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