I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
