so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
