You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
