my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
