I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
