I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
