Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
