How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
