Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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