Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
