I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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