...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
