just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
