I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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