My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
