how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
