Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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