i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
