I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
