Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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