im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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