Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
