did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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