im about as happy as oj after his trial
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
