The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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