The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i think im in europe. pls send help
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
