talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
