Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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