Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
