There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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