I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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