Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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