My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
