im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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