I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
