mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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