can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
