So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
