he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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