I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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