Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
