just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
