between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
