He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
