woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
