if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
