I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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